Grief and Acceptance
by gh3472
Summary: Takes place after Friday's episode 4/11/2008 where Jason is about to break Elizabeth's heart...LIASON all the way!


Jason

Grief and Acceptance

After watching Carly in her grief I knew there was nothing I could say or do to make her pain go away. She was beating herself up about the choices she made and how selfish she was concerning Michael. She wouldn't allow me to take the blame for bringing Michael into this life. But I felt guilty just the same. I gave him his name for Christ's sake. How ridiculous is that? I named her son after a mafia don. I put a target on his back that he would walk around with for the rest of his life. But she isn't blaming me. She is blaming herself and Sonny for being selfish and not putting their child's needs first; was I being just as selfish when it came to Jake?

After seeing my mother and hearing her forgive me, gave me some peace, but it still did not ease my mind. She wouldn't even allow me to apologize for all the pain I've caused her; all that I've taken away from her. I don't know if our roles were reversed, if I would be so forgiving. But I had to thank her for that. She told me that I didn't really understand what I was doing when I had Michael or the consequences. That is all true, but I do know what the consequences are as it relates to Jake, Cameron and Elizabeth.

Elizabeth...she was all I could think about; her and the boys. What did I do? How selfish could I be? She was now my fiancée and I was going to break her heart. It had to be done, but how would I be able to do this? I don't know if I'm emotionally strong enough to let her go again. But really, what choice do I have. I won't do this to her or my children. I will not watch her suffer the way Carly is suffering right now. I love her as much as I could possibly love anyone, but I have to be strong enough to walk away.

I reach for Carly, "There, there's something I have to do. Will you be okay?"

"I'll be fine, Jason. There isn't anything worse that could happen to me that hasn't already been done."

I walk out of Michael's hospital room and my mind is flooded with the "what if's". What would my life have been like with Elizabeth and our boys? What if we had gotten past our stupidity and had been together because we have loved each other for years? What if I had insisted on claiming Jake? Would we have been happy? Would I have been less distracted and insisted to Sonny that he keep his guards? What if I was never a part if this life to begin with? Would my life have crossed paths with Elizabeth's at all?

All of these questions flooded my mind and I found myself picturing my life with her and the boys. How could I have been so stupid to think this would work? How could I have let her believe that she would be safe? How could I have let this happen to Michael? If there was one thing I was clear about, clearer than I had ever been, was I would not allow this pain to be her pain. She would _NEVER_ be where Carly is right now, sitting vigil over her son hoping and praying that he comes out of a coma…

I arrived at her house, the house I wanted to spend the rest of my life in. I hesitated. I didn't want to face her. My heart was breaking. How am I going to do this? To her, to Jake and Cameron, to me?

I knocked on the door and it opened. There she was, my Elizabeth. My love. My life. She pulled me in and told me she was trying to find the right time to call me. She knows my heart is breaking over Michael but she doesn't know how to help me. Just knowing that she wants to comfort me is enough. I don't deserve her comfort. I brought this upon Michael because of choices I made and the life I lead.

I realize, now, this is the first time we have been together alone since I proposed and she said yes. I am such a damn fool. I can't control the tears that are welling in my eyes.

I thanked her for calling me and telling me Carly needed me. She told me that if it were Cameron or Jake she wouldn't want to live. I wanted to tell her that I understood; I wouldn't want to live either.

"I could never do to you what I did to them." I can see it in her eyes, she knows I'm pulling away. "You know I love you. I just don't know how we can do this."

"So are you telling me that you are choosing that life over one with me and the boys?" She is hurt. I am crushing her.

"Elizabeth, you know I can't get out. You know it would be far more dangerous for me to get out of this life than to stay in it. If I tried, we would be running for the rest of our lives." She isn't listening. I'm not sure if I am listening to myself either.

She reaches for me. She is angry and sad. "Jason, I know you have made choices and you blame yourself for those choices and what's happened to Michael, but I need to know something..."

"What, what do you want to know?" I ask her.

"If that had been you, with Jake and Cameron, would you have had guards with them?"

"Elizabeth, that's not the point. The point is my enemies…"

She cuts me off, "Just answer the question, Jason. Would you have put the boys at risk by bringing them to the warehouse without guards?"

"Of course not. But..."

"No 'buts'. I'm know you're scared. I know you feel guilty because of what happened to Michael, but I love you and I want to be with you. How can you deny me that?"

"But I can't promise you that I can keep you safe. I don't think I would be able to live if something were to happen to you or the boys."

"And if something were to happen to me or the boys and we aren't together; will it hurt you any less?"

"No. It would kill me."

"So you would rather make us both miserable apart then have happiness with the time we would have together. Is that what you're telling me?"

I didn't know what to say to her. I didn't know how to logically answer her. She was right. It wouldn't matter whether we were together or not, I would still be devastated if something were to happen to one of them.

Now she was pacing and looking really angry. "You know what Jason," her voice was raised and angry, "you were the one person in my life who I could count on to not hurt me and you've hurt me the most!"

"Elizabeth, I don't want you hurt. That's the whole point of me walking away."

"But don't you see. I don't hurt because of you; I would hurt more if you weren't with me. I accept who you are and what you do. Do I approve of what you do for Sonny, no, but I understand that is your job and not who you are on the inside. I love you. I love that you want to protect me and the boys, but there are so many people who know about Jake. Eventually the truth is going to come out. Don't you think we would be better prepared if we fought people together than apart?"

She was trying to get me to see. See past the obvious danger of my business, but also see how my life could be. With her. With the boys. I couldn't answer her. I could only stare at her. She was determined not to let me go. She was the strongest woman I have ever known.

"You can't put guards on me now because that would mean I'm important to you, right? But I know you have at least one person keeping tabs on me. How else would you have known about the fire? You were at the hospital trying to see me and Jake; don't you think one of your enemies knows that? Jason, I want to be with you. I want to share my life with you. I want you to be the father of my children. I want to have more children with you. I want to grow old with you. I just want you."

She reached for me and pulled me into a hug. I couldn't resist holding her. Tears streamed down my face. My hands flowed through her hair. She was the one woman for me. I am completely, hopelessly, in love her. She completes my soul. She centers me and I feel at peace when I'm with her. Can I do this? Can we make a life together? Will she end up hating me for bringing her into this life?

"But Elizabeth, I am so scared of what could happen to you or the boys because of me. Because of what I do. Because of who I am. Don't you understand? This is killing me to walk away. I want to be with you more than I have ever wanted anything in my life."

"Who you are? _**WHO YOU ARE?!**_ You are not defined by your job! You are the most caring and compassionate person I know. You always put someone else's happiness before your own. I know who you are on the inside. Are you flawed? Yes. But so are the rest of us. Just be with us Jason. Be a father to your son. Be a father to Cameron. Be a husband to me. All I want is us to be together; as a family. I know it will be hard and I know my life will change, but if you are with me, supporting me, I can do anything. Don't you know that already? Don't you know what you do for me?" I couldn't answer, I just shook my head. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I was sure she would accept my reasoning and let me go.

"You give me the strength to live, to fight, to be the best mother I can be. I am not afraid when I'm with you and I know you would do anything to protect me and the boys. I know I can take on the world with you supporting me. You complete me, Jason. You are the other half of my soul."

I couldn't believe it. She wanted a life with me, for all that I represent. She accepts me for who I am and what my life is.

I pulled back from her and tipped her chin up so I could look into her eyes. "So, this is what you want?" She nodded 'yes'. "It's not going to be easy for a while. I am going to have to put extra guards on you and the boys and it's going to feel like an invasion of privacy. Can you handle that?" She nodded 'yes' again. "You and the boys are going to have to move into the penthouse with me and Spinelli until I can get security set up here at the house. Are you okay with that too?" She nods yes and for the first time this whole night a smile starts to form on her beautiful face. "You're going to have..."

She placed two fingers on my lips and said, "Shhh. Too much talking." She placed both of her hands behind my head and pulled me down to kiss her. It started off tender and sweet, but the intensity increased and I found myself drowning in her. Tears formed in my eyes and I pulled away. "I love you. Thank you for fighting for us when I was ready to give up. You are the strongest woman I know." She just smiled and pulled me into another searing kiss.

"Make love to me, Jason. I need to be with you."

"I need to be with you too."

I picked her up into my arms and carried her up the stairs to her room. She held me close and placed kisses on my neck and chest. I felt as though I was going to explode. I almost gave all of this up; the happiness I felt and the love that was emanating from her. I held her close to me and whispered in her ear, "I love you with all my heart." And for the first time tonight, I felt her tears fall on my chest. I placed her on the bed and her eyes grew dark. Our bodies stayed connected to one another, not ready to be separated. She slowly removed her clothes in the most sensual way; she smiled at me and pulled me close. I felt her breasts on my chest. I removed my shirt quickly and laid down next to her. I needed to be inside her. I needed to feel her skin next to mine. I needed to feel her hands on my body. I moved her to the center of the bed and placed my body on top of hers. She held my gaze, "Jason, you are my heart." She pulled me down, crushing her petite frame with mine. Her hips shifted and I felt her wetness on my hardened shaft. Her hand reached down and held me to her opening. I could feel the head of my cock start to slip in. I was so close to heaven…As we began to make love, there was a whimper that came from the baby monitor.

I collapsed on top of her and let out a sigh. She pulled my head up from her shoulder and kissed me. Elizabeth giggled, "Well, Daddy, it looks like your son wants some attention as well as his midnight feeding. You know babies, their timing is always impeccable!"

"Do you think it would be alright if I went to get him and fed him in here?" I asked. Then feeling silly for asking.

She hit my arm, "Of course it is alright. You're his father, and _**NO ONE**_ is going to take him away from you. But I should warn you…if he gets comfortable sleeping with us, he'll never leave…and we'll have to find someplace else to enjoy our alone time together…" she smiled.

"Point taken." I leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. She pulled her robe on and grabbed me into a hug.

"I love you Jason, more than anything." She left the bedroom to get prepare Jake's bottle.

I got myself up and pulled on my pants and for the first time throughout this whole ordeal with Michael, my mind was finally at peace. Tomorrow was another day and I knew I would have to face some difficult decisions, but for the first time in as long as I could remember, I was home with my family and I was loved.


End file.
